As self-awareness appears to improve with age, older people tend to have better EQ skills compared with the younger generations. But do they actually have the skills to deal with conflicts? To deal with crisis? To manage or lead others? Episode 2 of Boomsday Prepping answers these questions as we dig into the Emotional Intelligence of Baby Boomers.
Wayne Bucklar: Welcome to Booms Day Prepping, an opportunity for Baby Boomers everywhere to do a little bit of prepping for what’s inevitably coming. Today on our panel, we’ve got our regular Glenn, Bron and Brian with us and Amanda and our regular host Drew Dwyer is here, 7 foot tall and full of wisdom and my name is Wayne Bucklar. Hello to you all.
Dr. Drew Dwyer: Good morning everyone.
Bron Williams: Hello.
Wayne: So today we’d like to dig into ‘Emotional intelligence’. I know it’s a subject that Drew is passionate about. So let’s let him explain it to us and then we can all pick on him. Drew, tell us about emotional intelligence.
Dr. Drew: Okay, well I mean emotional intelligence first off it’s not something new, it’s something that we’ve been understanding and working within the science and psychology world for a long time and it’s basically the capacity for recognizing your own feelings and emotions and those of the people around us. So it’s primarily used for positive enrichment, balance, finding a place where your emotional self and your intellectual self bridge together inside yourself so that you’re able to cope, and deal and manage relationships with other people or your own personal affairs. So EQ or EI, it doesn’t matter which little acronym you use, it’s a concept that’s understood very quickly through the general population about you know people say, you’ve got to be emotionally strong or emotionally smart or deal with your emotions. Well, they’re actually talking about is having emotional intelligence. What a lot of people don’t understand that there’s a process and a system of learning, and development and practice around getting competency in it and I don’t say you have to go and learn anything specific at uni or college but you can teach yourself really good strong emotional intelligence. For the Baby Boomer and the older person it’s really important because we’ve already experienced a whole life, gone through our shit per say, dealt with any problems that come with being older, growing, marriage, children, life. And then we reach a point in age where we feel or we view our life in a particular way that we’re over it, we’ve been there, the ‘University of Life’ is finished and now we have to get on with the next phase of life. But all of a sudden, more challenge starts to come. Challenges particularly that we think we may have already dealt with but perhaps, we haven’t mastered our own emotions and intelligence so we can deal with these new or different challenges. So it’s a cycle of thinking and it’s about two phases – self and others. So you’ve got a deal with self first and then you have to learn how to deal with others knowing yourself, if that makes sense.
Wayne: Now Drew as a child of the 1960s, I was subjected to an intelligence test at school. I have to say I’m not sure I did very well at it. What’s the relationship between emotional intelligence and IQ, intellectual intelligence?
Dr. Drew: It’s to do with compartments of the brain and how the brain stores information whether it’ll be frontal lobe or whether it be central cortex. So our brain is designed to deal, funnel and filter information and store it in a particular way where it is quickly used by people in a certain aspect. So frontal lobe or brain stuff if you see something, feel something, smell something which comes through the olfactory system, you can immediately know what that is you’re seeing, feeling, touching, tasting or smelling. And generally, that sense, or that feeling or that knowledge will be connected to an emotion that’s been built through your heart and your heart and your brain are scientifically connected. So if you eat a meal that reminiscently remind you of your grandma, or your mum or your childhood, you’re immediately comforted by that meal, or that smell, or that music, or that noise or that sight because it feels like home, it grounds you. So the heart and the mind are connected. It’s the intelligence of the mind that stores the information, it’s the heart that confuses that information with emotion.
Wayne: Now being a cynical old man like I am, these things that you speak are so casually called ‘Emotions’. I don’t like them very much. I choose to, what’s my favorite expression here, ‘I don’t like emotions very much so I choose to opt out’. Seriously, emotions have been part of my life for the last 60 years. What do I have to do about it now?
Dr. Drew: Well I think you have to be comfortable with your emotions. I mean I often deal with a lot of people, I’ll put it into some context. Father-in-law’s, I have one. Now when you’re dealing with father-in-laws and older men, people will quickly jump to “Oh he’s cranky, he’s belligerent, he’s ignorant, he’s rude, he’s got behavior problems, he’s got Alzheimer’s.” They immediately jump to categorizing somebody psychologically with a behavior, or a problem or a syndrome. When actual fact, what we’re not dealing with is a fact that he’s cranky, he’s old, he’s stubborn, he’s ignorant and that’s his biological factor.
Glenn: He is probably cranky before he was old too so we tend to put a lot of the ‘old folk.’ But you said what you feel most comfortable with that, I sometimes think it’s got to be where you feel most uncomfortable Drew that’s where the intelligence role really rides on. And I love all of the the brain talk but let’s put it another way, I always say you’ve got a magic brain and this magic brain is chock-a-block full of crayons and every crayon is a talent. And we don’t just have one or two crayons, we’ve got a whole box of 96 or maybe even 96,000. And in every crayon, there’s an element of emotional intelligence but there’s also some crayons that are specific to emotional intelligence. So when Daniel Goleman sort of popularized the phrase, the five key crayons he’d talk about self-awareness, self-regulation, the ability to stop, the ability to know when it’s too much or when to shut up, motivation, empathy and social skills. So self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, social skills. Now Brian my question to you mate would be do we just act this or does a good actor have to have empathy and really understand and walk a mile in the shoes of other human beings to be able to convey it? Because of course there are some people and we’d all know well that kind of just that as if they’ve got the emotional intelligence but really, they’re doing it for their own sake and not for the sake of somebody else.
Brian Hinselwood: It’s interesting actually Glenn because as an actor, one of the lovely things about acting is that you get to be something that you’re not generally. So whether you’re playing a historical character or somebody that’s come out of somebody else’s fantasy and it’s really nice to be able to step outside yourself. It’s really nice to spend three hours a night or whatever the play runs for being somebody else totally. And I’ve had wonderful experiences where I’ve come off stage at the end of a play where I was on stage for like two and a half hours and a lady said, ‘But you weren’t in the play?’ and I said, ‘Yes I was’. And I showed him my photograph in the program, I should know that’s not you, okay whatever. So it’s lovely to be able to step outside yourself. But Drew, if I can just get back to something you said, when you were talking about father-in-laws of which I am one. And you’ve got me really worried because you kind of gave me the impression that the son-in-law always thinks the father-in-law is cranky and falling into Alzheimer’s and blah, blah, blah and I’m not.
Dr. Drew: Okay. So it’s a good point Brian and for our Boomer listeners, it’s a particular point. And the first point to become emotionally intelligent with is age and so when you’re talking about an in-law, a father, a father figure, an older person there’s the aspect from the younger generation that of course, they jump to ‘He’s old, he’s cranky or there’s something wrong.’ An older person having no emotional intelligence over the age gap looks at it as they’re not listening, ‘I know better. I’m the elder. I’m more superior. I’m not in that space.’ And actual fact what you’re trying to deal with is the emotional intelligence of the older person to say or to know themselves better to be able to say ‘That’s a younger person’s or different person’s opinion of me.’ But then to reflect ‘Do I present myself?’ The hard challenge for particularly in older people and Boomers is to reflect on themselves, their emotions and their self-awareness to understand as Glenn said, that self-awareness ‘Do I present that way? Am I this way perceived? Am I comfortable with this way? Am I not changing? And what does that do to my relationships going forward?’
Bron: I find this a really interesting conversation because and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a woman and I do that sort of self-reflective journey quite readily. But I’ve actually don’t have any issues with looking at myself being self-aware and aware of those around me and I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been like this. I’ve come to understand that emotions are an indicator of something often going on deeper inside me than what I may be logically or intellectually aware of and so I allow emotions to come and then allow other things to be raised by that. But also with my sons, I have three adult sons now and I can remember when they were young boys. I used to give them emotional names for emotions, rather than the general anger that often then that’s when they recognize. I would say to my boys, ‘No, you’re frustrated’, no you’re something else, I would actually give them names for their emotions and so I don’t know whether it was because I understood myself or I’ve always been on this sort of journey. But I’ve seen this that it was important to be able to give my sons framework to hang their emotions on.
Dr. Drew: The older we get, the also more we don’t like being viewed upon by others or categorized or being subjected to the opinions of others. So for general people who sit in a normal everyday spectrum of just surviving in life, just getting through their life, once they start to be criticized, looked upon or judged as an older person, they become very defensive emotionally but they don’t see it as emotions. I often say if I’m dealing with elderly dementing people and we build activities and carers, and people, husbands, wives we told find an activity that builds emotion or an activity that connects with them and people get this wrong sometimes. I can put a fully elderly person with dementia and no cognition or memory into a room with music, dance and something that connects with them. And the simple fact people say, ‘Oh look, he’s come to life. He’s come back to normal, he’s up doing and being himself.’ I go ‘yes’ because you don’t need to have memory to have emotions. You can feel happy, feel sad, feel enjoyment, you can enjoy something or dislike something but not understand or remember why. And this is one of those scientific elements. We can deal with issues if we can concentrate on emotions, stabilizing emotions better but for many people, they can become erratic or not deal with things strictly by emotions and rather than or ignore their emotions or not flow with their emotions, they try and stick to an intelligence platform ‘I know better. I’ve been taught. I have the experience’. Where the actual fact is ‘No, you’re being driven by emotion and you need to reflect and change on this because it’s disrupting others.’ So for Boomers, when I talk to them, it’s really about that and it is the hard part, it’s the hard part that’s getting them to sit and accept. At some point, they must stop and reflect on their own awareness, their own management and what triggers them off and what does it trigger them off and knowing these things. Now when I do work with older people who get this, all of a sudden they stop doing things like mixing with these people or having certain people visit or visiting certain people because they know they piss them off, they trigger them off and they don’t like being in that scenario.
Wayne: Drew, across the Boomer spectrum you did tell us 52 to 75.
Dr. Drew: Fifty two to 72 are Boomers.
Wayne: And across that range, it occurs to me that there are a massive difference in behavior. At 50 I would say that you’re still in the peak of your career and you’re still building opportunities and creating things and often have dependent children. By 72 in most of the world, you don’t have dependent children, it’s grandchildren. Can we categorize Boomers across the board as one group or do we need to sub categorize?
Dr. Drew: We subcategorized Boomers into two groups, we have older boomers or late Boomers and early Boomers and the late Boomers are those that are over 65. So that particular cohort of Boomer is heavily influenced by the age of retirement, that ending of work-life phase and the younger Boomer who is still heavily in that work-life phase looking at the transition. But in a modern world, let’s go Western culture, these lines are smearing out because older people don’t want to retire so early yet and they’ve got so much more to offer. With emotional intelligence with the elderly, it’s about finding that space and owning it. So I’m an educator, Glenn is an educator. One of the biggest issues for me to Boomers in this category is to remind them and quickly remind them, they’re never too old to stop learning. They can continue to learn more, diversify and change, spread their skills, take the skills of their youth, master what they can and like, and now add to it with new learning. And that learning doesn’t necessarily have to be technical, it’s more better learning around soft skills – communication, conflict management, dealing with crisis and this is where Boomers who want to stay employed and want to stay in an active community but want to change their lifestyle have to balance out emotional intelligence. I now have got managerial skill education, I’ve got all these things but I now want to learn more better stuff that equips me for better roles or changing roles and I know Glenn, you tell me I do it. This is the learning that Boomers actually seek more of because they don’t want to go back to university or back to school to particularly learn a skill or trade. They want to learn the mastering of an art. When they do step into this learning, they find that most of their knowledge gap sits around the soft skills. Then they become emotionally challenged because ‘I know I had a deal with that. I know that. I’m experienced.’ But are they? Do they actually have the skills to deal with conflict? To deal with crisis? To look or manage, or lead or guide others that they’re being asked to do, Glenn?
Glenn: I think every road of life should lead us to fully more understanding ourselves, our role and journey with emotional intelligence and that doesn’t necessarily happen I mean that’s interesting Bron talking earlier about an awareness and research in the field suggests that there are only 8 out of 10 adults who are doing any metacognition, ever think about the thinking. So even thinking about emotional intelligence or the ranges of intelligences. But I find one of the interesting things through in terms of Boomers and older folks try to create an environment for their kids and then for their grandchildren and saying ‘I want them to be a stable and loving environment’. But there’s something that really hit me with Daniel Goleman’s work and he said that the people who are most skilled if you like with emotional intelligence didn’t necessarily get raised in a stable environment. I mean my environment, my mum was up and down all the time, in and out of hospitals with mental issues and things that we would call ‘Bipolar.’ My papa was in and out of Graylands Mental Institution with bipolar or what they called ‘Manic Depression.’ And it’s that ability to know when you can say something, that ability to know when you should shut up, that ability to know when you can use humor and you learn that sometimes in a more challenging family environment. So it’s not going out and say, the Baby Boomers, those grandparents need to make sure there’s an unsettled environment, life will be unsettling no matter what. But when there is unsettling stuff, not to go “Oh gee” but be going “This is where the learning opportunity is for my sons and my daughters and myself.”
Dr. Drew: When they see that, they have to be able to master the art of communicating it in a different context with their loved ones, their circles of influence and this is where a lot of Boomers hit the brick wall, they try, give it a go, then they give up because it’s too frustrating. This is where I ask Boomers to stop and to take that frustration to move it across into a learning space, go and find someone, somewhere, mentor, teaching, whatever you need to help develop that skill and be aware of that skill. I’ll give you a classic, empty nesting would have to be one of the crucial transition stages for Baby Boomers because they spend their lives raising their children, educating their children, transferring knowledge into these people to build them to success hoping that those apron strings will be cut, those children will go away. And as you said, I mean for me, I’m like experiencing it now, for those of you who got older children, they never go away. They never stopped being your children, they are always there then their grandchildren come and it doesn’t stop and it keeps going. So Boomers need to understand really consciously that as those transitions change, so will you and you can’t be remained stagnant in your ways or you’ll burn out rather than fade away.
Wayne: If we take Glenn’s point that 8 out of 10 people don’t do metacognition, isn’t there an argument to say 8 out of 10 people is the majority and we’re chasing after shadows here?
Bron: Well see, this is work case where I would say the majority is not necessarily right o sound or sensible because I think if only 2 out of 10 are actually doing it but those at 20% are in a better emotional state, more grounded, have a better self-awareness, then they have something to teach, to model to other people. And I think we do ourselves a de-service if we say ‘Well I’m in the 8 out of 10 and I don’t need to do anything about learning these new skills.’
Wayne: But my argument is Bron these are not new skills. You and I are in our 60s, we’ve done okay, what’s the problem?
Brian: I’m glad you brought that up because I am a bit befuddled by these new skills thing. I thought we all have these skills if you want to call them that and maybe for some people. Surely, they’re not new skills. It’s not something that we have to learn.
Dr. Drew: There is something we have to learn but it’s more something. Brian, you’ve got to b able to segregate certain skills out knowing that some you have confidence in as a self-awareness. So in the cycle of self-awareness you have confidence in something, you have a good attitude about it and then your behavior or self- control sits comfortably. It’s when we move to social awareness and the emotional intelligences. The knowledge and empathy that others don’t have the same skills as you and others don’t have that knowledge because you’re older or you’re more adapted or more wiser, then your attitude and motivation means to take initiative to teach, learn, guide, mentor or act in a way that your behavior is a competency socially that leads others if that makes sense. So you’re dead right all of you, it’s the case if many of us have these skills, it’s how do we mastered, how to use them. The science that I study and the social science that I look at around Boomers and giving them survival techniques is the ‘Known Competency or Knowledge of Emotional Intelligence’. They’re very good at this. Boomers pick up on this very quickly because of this factor. Once the lights turn on, they realize ‘Shit, I’ve got that skill. I’ve been practicing that for years.’ It’s almost like an epiphany they go, ‘I was right. I was right’ and I say often ‘Yes but please don’t enforce that onto other person because they’re not going to cope very well the fact that you were right because you’re always right.’
Bron: Particularly if you’ve got children in their 20s and 30s, particularly male children who are still seeing things very much in a black-and-white, dogmatic, pedantic way and haven’t yet learnt some of the nuances of life and yes I am speaking from experience. You just have to allow people to come to their own growth at their own time.
Dr. Drew: I mean we live in a world right now where socially, the world is losing its smart from feelings and emotions, quite frankly and anyone who’s grounded in good evidence of psychology, social awareness and social science understands and I will keep coming to the factors of late in what I do is because they’re modern. And when I do talk to patients and clients, these are factors they raise with me that are confusing them. I have 65 year old person the other day confuse come to me saying but I’m being told and I see on the news and same-sex marriage, and gender fluidity, and are there 80 genders and I say ‘No Margaret. There’s not 80 genders, there are two genders’ but there are other issues that society’s not adapting too quickly enough because their emotional intelligence has swung too far the wrong way and they’re not dealing with what is known science, what is known and then building from that. So we’re confusing, we can confuse people very quickly because of emotion but it’s the intelligence that says ‘Hang on, there is a platform I can go to and be resilient and reliant on’, that tells me the truth there is boys and there is girls, there are other problems but to step into them, it’s a whole different world of social science – psychology, mental health work and so forth. And a lot of people just either aren’t equipped and don’t want to know. The basis is keep your emotional intelligence where it is in factors like these just this box of information, remain resistant, resilient to what is known and be comfortable with it so that you can start as an older person in a family, in a group, as an influencer and a mentor. Start to change the way or ground the way your social awareness is with others. So I think Boomers have got to play a big role in the world at the moment globally as the experts that actually sit in these known knowledge, we all have knowledge, you’ve all said these. As Brian said ‘These are skills we already know’. Yes, but we’re allowing the skills we’ve spent a lifetime grounding as Boomers or through the Boomer processes that last 50 odd years of learning, 60 to 70 years of learning to now being told what we know doesn’t count and it’s not factual anymore and it’s incorrect. It should be Boomers who turn around and saying, ‘Hold on a minute.’ At some time, we have some leadership and mentoring given out by our elder population. We need to learn to do it in a positive, transparent and powerful way that has meaning. The emotional intelligence at the moment is cutting off, being silent, not commenting because you’re too afraid to be just vilified or just have all spoken badly about. Boomers have to control themselves.
Glenn: I wonder about default positions with all they’re taking that general to the personal. When my mum was in her ups and downs, I would go to my bedroom with a guitar and I would write songs and sing songs to the mirror and get my emotions out in that particular way. Decades later, I get married and there’s times in our marriage when there might be certain situations where I need to communicate, instead of communicating I go to my default position and metaphorically go to my bedroom pick up a metaphoric guitar and sing songs to the mirror rather than actually stepping forward and having conversations and communications with my wife and really talking things out. So one day, the default position of certain human beings is to shut up and say ‘No’ when we might need to speak out a little bit more or to speak from the brain where we might need to speak from the heart.
Dr. Drew: Glenn, you’re dead on it and let me just say this is the exact point that leads to isolation in the older person. This is what forces social retraction in Boomers and elderly, 70, 80 year olds. They no longer want to have these conversations, they can’t deal with it. “It’s too stressful and hard, too emotional, therefore I’ll stay in my house, I’ll stay in my space, I’ll only leave the house once a week, I won’t engage and I won’t do anything.” Then we start to develop really high cases in the statistics of Boomers at the moment, high levels of isolation, high levels of depression, and clinical depression and very deep clinical depression because their lack of emotional intelligence to pick up on it and want to change it has not been dealt with and they just isolate.
Glenn: And sometimes that concern or the anxiety that comes with age is not so much their own feeling about their own emotional intelligence but they’re concerned for their grandchildren, they’re concerned for their children. Amanda, in a younger household, how much is there a concern for you and your kids and all the extended Irish family, Canadian family out there to make sure that they grow up with emotional intelligence? Is it an anxiety that the older folk carry about the the generation to come and the generation to come after them?
Amanda: I think one of the things I’ve noticed the most and I guess we’re quite fortunate. My children learn emotional intelligence at school which is brilliant, which is I can’t complain about that. But what I notice the most is when we have the older generations and my younger children in the same house and the older generation will make some kind of comment to my children and my children will turn around and go “Well that’s not how to effectively use your words.”
Dr. Drew: My children will say to me ‘Check yourself before you wreck yourself.’
Amanda: So it was really cool because my kids brought home this cute little emotional intelligence workbook and how to manage all of that and I think it’s really cool in that one of the things they said is the biggest thing is to actually develop relationships. With emotional intelligence, it gives you the opportunity to not only understand but manage your emotions so that you can effectively communicate your emotions constructively with other people. And I think that’s really important because sometimes, you might be feeling upset but not actually having the words to communicate it.
Dr. Drew: This is a good stepping stone for Boomers and I advise Boomers a lot particularly when they’re in transitions to semi-retirement, focusing down on work, doing less. Doing less work wise but wanting more in their life. So their Maslow’s theory of self-actualization – they wanting more, doing more, being more. My advice to Boomers is volunteer work, go and get out in your community, connect and build relationships, different relationships that you’re used to over your lifespan, challenge yourself, look at different people and use your skills in different ways, and connect and stay connected.
Amanda: I think that’s really important because one of the biggest things that they brought home is that by relating and understanding their feelings, needs and responses of those we care for. So like you’re saying, when you actually care for others, you’re starting to develop that relationship to be able to care back and forth and we’re able to have more stronger and more fulfilling relationships if we have the ability to do that.
Glenn: Gilbert O’Sullivan sang the song ‘Alone Again Naturally’ and I guess it shouldn’t be naturally, it should be keeping connected. Drew, I love that fact that you go out and find some voluntary work, do something for somebody else. I’ve never been in a book club in my life and I went along and joined a book club and I just say to any blokes out there who are looking to meet women, join a book club. I was the only guy. Of course I’m already married with Lindy so I didn’t need necessarily to meeting 10 women, I wanted to talk about books. But you got to find ways and means to stay connected with other human beings and new human beings too.
Brian: If I could add to that Glenn by saying that men should go and join a community theater. You want to meet woman, go and join the community theater. They’re always looking for a man.
Dr. Drew: And it’s also Brian in that attitude too. I know a lot of men, Boomer men, older boomer men that all say to me in therapy and in deep conversations, they’ll talk about what they missed out on their life. I wrote that in one of my books, I wrote specifically older people never sit with me and tell me that they regret doing anything. They always tell me they regret not doing something in their life. And for men particular they say to me, ‘You know, I was pretty arty-farty. I was pretty talented’ or ‘You know, I like designing clothes but you know when I grew up that was gay, that was a homosexual. There’s something wrong with you if you did that arty-farty stuff.’ Then I say to them, ‘Go and join a group. Go and get connected. Go and join the local arts and theatre and become and fulfill that emotional intelligence that you want and it changes them in very powerful ways. Listen, another point I’ll raise is I grew up in a family where children was seen and not heard, that was the basic standard rule. And children didn’t sit at the dinner table or they sat at the dinner table, didn’t sit around adults having conversations. When I brought my children into the world as an older parent not the younger one like most of my family, my family were quite shocked that my children were allowed to sit at the table, to sit at the conversation and have input. And particularly with my mother was very challenged by that, raising 8 of her own children and kids get pushed away, be silent, be seen, not heard whereas my children were allowed to have comment, were allowed to listen and were taught emotional intelligence, know when to comment, know when to be silent, that’s not your role and growing them that way. And it was a real challenge from my elders to see young generations as Wayne asked before and as Glenn asked before to Amanda. Those transitions have to keep happening and it’s now Boomers’ responsibility to guide those transitions because they should know more of those soft skills.
Glenn: They were crayons that everybody used when they were younger that we don’t use for some period of time and then returning to those crayons can be absolutely beautiful. So as you say, the crayons of a fashion designer, the crayons of dance, the crayons of song. Asking
the question, what did you used to do that you would love to be able to do again? If is a wonderful significant crayon to be able to keep developing and it’s never too late. Get back into those. I just learned recently the Peter Carey, the two-time Book winner and novelist. He wrote five novels before he had his sixth novel published. It takes a journey sometimes to get there and the stuff inside of us to keep exploring and reignite, regrow the crayon.
Dr. Drew: And with emotional intelligence comes the fact with that point Glenn is that I deal with a lot of couples, at different times, the early and late Boomers. The children have grown up left the home, empty nesting has begun, it’s quite an emotional process. On top of this, we’re adding the hormone replacement process for women, the menopause time. And how men are not dealing and women are dealing and they’re not communicating. Then all of a sudden comes to separate bedrooms and the separate beds because he snores, he channels out or she snores or they can’t be in the same bed because they don’t get a good night sleep and this is where I step in with a lot of my couples and I start to interact with them and bring the emotional intelligence of “Remember when you were young and what you found sexy and exciting in each other and your lives and your differences, it’s time to bring it back.” Now, their emotional intelligence says, ‘I’m too old for that’. Until they need step over that boundary and rediscover a few things like sex toys, like paints and chocolates, and lingerie and actually getting back into the same bed and touching and pushing through those emotional boundaries and that intelligence – their world changes. They become very different more stable older people for this fact that they have worked backwards from where they came to. So what they’ve known to what they know now can be taken back because they have the space and time element to do so because they’re older and more prepared for it.
Brian: Isn’t this about communication?
Dr. Drew: Absolutely and that’s emotional intelligence.
Brian: It’s everything, whether it’s your job, or your personal relationship or the guy next door. It’s all about communication. If you don’t communicate with somebody, nothing’s going to happen.
Dr. Drew: Correct.
Wayne: Can I just make sure that there’s almost nothing less sexy than a CPAT machine and a sleep mark.
Dr. Drew: I can imagine that. But what is the emotional intelligence around that man using the CPAT machine and the nasal prongs they’re about getting the issue fixed, losing the weight, getting sexy, coming down a few sizes, putting on a floral shirt and bringing his mojo back?
Wayne: Yes. The reality is though that if that happened, we wouldn’t have a diabetes 2 problem like we do, wouldn’t we? The wisdom is pretty easy, the reality is and I’ve heard you all, but I’m watching on television, the President of the United States grabbing them by the pussy. I’m watching everyone who’s ever had a role on the stage Brian and I’m a bit worried about you now, apparently having sex with the rest of casts for roles.
Dr. Drew: They’re all social deviants of pedophiles.
Wayne: Yes we’ve got the old-right, the old-left, the old facts and the old everything else. I’m kind of to the point of going “Hold on a minute, this is not a problem for the Baby Boomers. My emotional intelligence is fine. Will someone teach those bloody kids to sort it out?”
Dr. Drew: And Wayne that was my point. It’s now up to the Baby Boomer population to start swinging the pendulum back to some of these issues and saying, ‘Stop’. Look, there’s nothing wrong in ‘Let’s go primary alpha men sitting around the cave, pulling their jobs, scratching each other’s balls and patting each other on the back for being men.’ And of course the conversation is not something that you would include women to or allow women to listen to and there are more lies told and fabrications and confabulations than anything when you put five men in a carton of beer in a room. But the fact is some of these things need to be dealt with more emotionally intelligently rather than all of a sudden, it’s a sex offense and as you said look at Hollywood all falling apart. When you actually hear some of these, let’s go women coming through, I’ll hypothesize. I don’t know the actual fact. Angelina Jolie says ‘Yes, and he touched me on the ass and made me watch him have the shower.’ Given the fact that it probably happened a few years ago and this is normal, this is probably normal alpha male, female sexual orientation blah, blah, blah. Was it condemned back then, is it sin? Is it dealt with? Is it better dealt with? Then all of a sudden 20 years later, he’s a sexual predator or I was interfered with it and it destroyed my life. I get it. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying as you said have we emotionally taught new society how to deal with some of these things as men and women? Men and women are different. They do different things, they say different things, stupid things when they’re together.
Glenn: It does not matter if it’s 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 50 years ago or today – being a prick is being a prick.
Dr. Drew: Absolutely.
Bron: Very articulate Glenn. And I think actually one of the benefits I see of these different things coming to light is that people are reflecting back and a woman going ‘Yes that was my experience.’ And I read a lot of things on Facebook when there was a the ‘Me Too Campaign.’ And women of all ages coming out and detailing their experiences and at a personal level, my niece who’s in her mid-20s detailing a man grabbing her when she was 10 on the bum and winking at her. That sort of thing and I actually think emotional intelligence comes into this because now we’re saying ‘Yes men behave differently to women but it’s actually not appropriate.’ It’s not helpful, women had to deal with this sort of whether you call it alpha male behavior or whatever. But it’s saying now, ‘This is not acceptable and I think that’s part of emotional intelligence as saying what behaviors are acceptable and what are not.
Dr. Drew: Strong emotional intelligent women stand on it straight away, put him on the spot transparently. They don’t run away home and cry for two or three years. To have a woman, emotionally strong independent and confident means that when that men, now I’ll talk about adults, not a child, when a man makes it inappropriate advance to a woman and she is not onto it and doesn’t want this to go any further, a good strong emotion woman goes point-blank on the spot, right now we’re having it out, ‘How dare you, don’t do that to me, that is my boundary and you will not go there again. Have I made myself clear?’
Amanda: But I don’t think women in the past have been able to do that because it’s not culturally acceptable for a woman to do that. Sorry, Brian?
Brian: I just find what’s happening in Hollywood particularly with the world-famous actor at the moment, it is taken 30 years for some of these things to come out that people that are coming out about it weren’t children, they were young people. They weren’t children all of them pretty are well unknown actors who are certainly seemed to be getting on some sort of bandwagon and I’m thinking maybe the guy was an absolute disastrous in life. I’m not suggesting he wasn’t. I just find it interesting that suddenly, I’ve come out about this and now the entire streets coming out, everybody. It just all seems a bit kind of coordinated.
Dr. Drew: And people have to be responsible Brian for their own into intelligence and responses and as we said before, many of the older people around them in society have to help nurture rather than swing to ‘Oh my God. It’s a sexual offending nightmare crisis.’ It should be ‘Hold on a minute. Let’s have real discussion about what did you do, what didn’t you do, and what are we accepting and not accepting?’
Glenn: Mirrors and windows, I mean some people are very good at looking out the window and pointing a finger and blaming everyone else but I think whenever any of this goes on first of all, we should look in the mirror and go ‘Hold on, is there anything I’ve ever done in my life that goes close to that? Boy, hold on. The things that I’ve done, I used to do that thankfully I’ve learned along the way not to do anymore.’ So yes, we can be very outraged by other people’s behavior and sometimes the more outraged we are, the least we’ve actually looked in the mirror.
Dr. Drew: We’re all humans Glenn, we’re all human beings.
Glenn: We got to face up to some things inside of ourself before we can point the finger at others.
Dr. Drew: My wife is a great lady and she’s a smart lady, my wife. But really she is a grounded woman but she often says to me particularly when we’re having her own family crisis or manifestations. We live on the beach and so we walk along the beach a lot. But she says to me, she’ll grab my hand, she’ll say ‘Honey, honey look, we’re just people having it normally. See this which are just specks of sand on a beach, that’s all we are.’ And I often have to check myself for emotional intelligence and go ‘Yeah, yeah I’m probably looking to out the window. I’m probably being too conservative. I’m probably being too emotional.’ And at the end of the day, I am just a human being and I’ve got to control myself first.
Glenn: A seven foot two human being Drew, so people will look up to you.
Dr. Drew: No, it’s a challenge.
Glenn: I got a mate who is tall, dark and handsome, very tall, dark and handsome. And every time he goes into a room, people want to make him the leader of the group. And he is not a leader, he doesn’t want to be a leader but because sometimes the way we look, we get things thrust upon us so boy Drew, life must be hard for a seven-foot two handsome bloke like yourself.
Dr. Drew: It’s a gift from God. You have to accept that but getting back to the main topic of conversation with Boomers and emotional intelligence, I keep talking, writing and speaking about it and everyone has their own opinion of it. But the fact is I always relate back to evidence-based science, that’s where I sit, I’m not a flat earther, I don’t look it up there, the conspiracy elements of it. The reality is we’re transitioning rapidly at the moment. There are large massive numbers of Boomers on the planet who should be right now and I have no doubt experiencing these transitions. Bron, I’ve noticed a lot of your posts of late about transition and growth and development. There are a lot of women like you at the moment and becoming vocal and wanting to have their say and I think it’s great. But we need to be able to get also balanced messages to the older cohort, the Boomers, the transition as retirees. Whether you may stand there thinking you’re ready, I can guarantee you you’re probably not. Ego has a massive component to play in this and spirituality, and when I talk spirituality, I’m not talking about God, I’m talking about connection to universal energy. And Boomers need to know there’s more to come, there’s more to challenge and I have to deal with these things in a different way, in a more emotionally intelligent way because it will be the grounding tools that will give him a foundation for all the other shit that’s about to come at their life – from their loved ones, from their family, from their pensions, from their supers, from dementia, from anything that’s coming now as an older third stage person. It’s not over yet. The curtain has not fallen.
Bron: Hallelujah! I’m so glad it’s not over yet because I see that life still has so much to offer as well.
Brian: Drew can I just mention, there’s almost an oxymoron there when you’re talking about yourself reverting to science fact, but we’re talking about emotions and the two things like emotions and science that kind of that falls apart. I understand what you’re saying, but it’s like how do you make a science out of emotions?
Dr. Drew: Well you can, it’s a psychological studied factor. The more we look at the social sciences, the psychological sciences, the mental health sciences, the more we see the broad and depth knowledge that we undertake or know. So at the moment in that position of science, you have extremes, you have counselors that sit along the bottom end of the qualified person that deals with it and then you have psychologists who deal with the middle factor of the behavior and emotions and intelligence and then you have psychiatrists right at the top end that will deal with the high context of complexity. All of them will connect to each other as a referral system once they find that the emotional level of the client starts to accelerate or raise or become a need for crisis and it is that study aspect of emotions that is very now heavily based in the sciences. They actually have a lot of science on this. It’s complex science and it’s quite debatable science. But it is science and they are developing even more knowledge that emotions are connected, the heart is connected to the brain in more significant ways than we give it credit for. One of the pure things we know about science that’s not studied very well and we’re learning more at the pineal gland in the brain. The more we discover the pineal gland and what its actual purpose is and what it actually does, the more we’re now discovering why we should be using things like medicinal marijuana and psychedelics like mushrooms and non-pharmacy intervention to deal with stuff that the human body is chemically and biologically built to interact with. So there’s some interesting science Brian, some really interesting side. PTSD is one of those areas that comes under emotional research because it’s heavily connected to emotion, memory and feeling.
Wayne: We may have to wait for another week before you hear me say “You’ve got to be kidding Drew. It’s a statistical-based thing and a probability and hardly has any relevance at all, look at vaccinations.” You’ll have to wait for another week until you hear the talk therapists, all over Australia saying, ‘I’m sorry, did he just say that psychiatrists are better than us?’ And you’ll have to wait for another week until you hear Brian Hinselwood say ‘That’s all folks.’ You’ve been listening to Booms Day Prepping. We’ve been trying to talk about the things that we think matter to you. But the place for you to tell us is on our website, boomsdayprepping.com. We look forward to your emails, complaints, abuse, whatever it is you want to say, we’ll read it. We may not reply to it, but we promise we will read it. For our guests today, Amanda, Glenn, Bron and Brian, thank you for joining us. For my co-host Drew Dwyer, once again, thank you for leading us through what is without a doubt a controversial and touchy area of just growing older.